


Tell Me All About It

by KingKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Harry, Discussion About Having An Anxiety Disorder, Draco Malfoy is a Good Boyfriend, Happy Ending, Just to be clear what this fic is about, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 03:13:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20668370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingKay/pseuds/KingKay
Summary: Harry isn’t alright; his head is his own worst enemy and he struggles to even sleep most nights. Here he discusses what it’s like to have anxiety with his very understanding boyfriend Draco.





	Tell Me All About It

**Author's Note:**

> After a recent conversation with my best friend about anxiety, how it has different types and levels, it got me thinking. I really wanted a way to explain what my own anxiety was like and how much it affects me daily.
> 
> I want to make it clear that this fic describes what I experience and mentions some of my triggers or adaptations of them to fit in with the setting of this story.
> 
> Everyone experiences it differently, some more or less and it can be triggered by a vast range of different things. There are also lots of coping methods and what works for one person won't always help someone else. Many find being held tightly reassuring, while personally it makes me worse.
> 
> The important thing to remember is that it is real, and telling someone to get over it or ignore that they even have it is disrespectful and damaging.
> 
> When someone says they can’t do something because of anxiety, they literally mean they can’t and no one can change that. It is up to the individual to decide if and when they will try and push past it and will depend strongly on personal motivation and the support they have in place. The best thing you can do is be there for any friend or loved one who has anxiety and don’t get upset or annoyed at them when they can’t do something.
> 
> Now I’m done lecturing, I hope you enjoy the story and if any of it resonates with you then please know you are not alone.
> 
> Additional note: It is briefly mentioned that Harry is refusing to seek professional help. I personally believe that this decision can only be made by the person suffering from anxiety. That being said if you are severely struggling to the point it is harmful then please find a good profession to help you. If you think a loved one isn't managing then by all means suggest seeing a professional and even offer to go with them if it will help but try not to push too hard or resort to force unless completely necessary for their safety. A reminder that these are my views and they may not be the same as yours and that's fine.

_You need to get out more._

_ I know you've been a bit anxious since the war, but that's no excuse._

_ Why won't you just try it?_

The words tumbled inside Harry's head; each one cut him to the bone and caused his breathing to speed up. His heart was pounding in his chest, blood beating like a drum in his ears as sweat seeped from his skin and dampened the back of his shirt.

"What's the matter?"

Draco's softly asked question made Harry jump as he flinched away from the touch of a hand coming down on his thigh as Draco sat beside him.

Forcing himself to smile, Harry swallowed down his fears, "Nothing, I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

Draco's words were firm, and his eyes didn't waver as they locked with Harry's full of expectation. A heaviness that only weighted down Harry more as it added further pressure to the troublesome thoughts in his head.

_ You're worrying him._

_ You’re hurting him with this silliness._

_ What's wrong with you, why can't you get over it?_

_ You're a burden._

"Breath, Harry, remember. In and out, slow and steady."

Harry sucked in a deep breath through his nose, held it and then blew it out of his chapped, dry lips. Closing his eyes he repeated the process, pushing away everything but the feeling of air filling his lungs, expanding his chest and then deflating again as he pushed the air back out. He repeated the breathing exercise until his racing heart slowed and the burn of forming tears left his eyes. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Harry shook his head, eyes opening in panic at Draco's question. He didn't want to be a burden, didn't want Draco to worry about his stupid anxiety.

Slowly so Harry had time to see it coming, Draco placed his hand on Harry's, his hand relaxing when Harry didn't jerk away again. He wondered if Draco would mention that it was trembling and clammy, but he didn't. Instead he stroked over Harry's knuckles soothingly with his thumb and talked in a gentle almost whispered tone.

"You need to talk to someone, and I know you don't want to see a professional. I'm here, I will always be here, and I will listen."

The words weren't new; Draco had been saying them over and over since they started dating last year. Harry still didn't believe them, even feared that if Draco discovered how messed up his head was that he'd go.

He had thought Draco would run after witnessing his first panic attack; instead he had stayed and comforted Harry until he relaxed enough to start breathing normally again and the tears stopped falling. Remaining even after that to lie beside Harry in bed, the only contact between them Draco's hand on his because being hugged was too much when Harry was struggling with his demons.

"Alright, I won't pry but..," Draco's words trailed off as he bit his lip and frowned deep in thought. "Can you tell me what it feels like, maybe then I can help more.”

Harry looked away, he didn't want Draco's help, didn't want him to feel like he had to carry the weight of Harry's issues. He just needed to stop being an idiot; there was no reason for him to get so worked up by every little thing.

However, he knew it would upset Draco if he didn't answer. Closing himself off and pushing away Draco's request was a guaranteed way to lose him and Harry really didn't want that to happen.

On the other hand, what if talking about it made him realise that Harry was too broken to be fixed. That he should get out now, he'd only grow to hate Harry if he stayed.

_ That’s if Draco didn't already hate him_.

Harry let out a sigh as his mind argued with itself, bringing back all the stress and restlessness that plagued him continuously these days.

"It feels. I don't know how to describe it."

Harry offered, frustrated that his voice was shaking and that he couldn't find the words or not the right ones.

Draco's hand tightened on his and relaxed as a reminder that he was still there supporting him. The pressure of Draco's action remained even after Harry pulled his hand away in an attempt to remove it. Flexing his fingers didn't make it go away either, and he ended up covering it with his own hand and squeezing. The constant pressure was better than the ghost of it and was grounding, almost.

"I feel more, everything is more intense. The sensation of my feet hitting the floor jars my bones, but it can help, it’s constant but then suddenly stopping. It's almost like losing your heartbeat, something you have become used to disappearing."

"That's why you pace and refuse to sit down?"

Harry nodded before continuing, " I notice everything and becoming hyper-aware of my surroundings. The tiniest thing in those moments becomes a threat. Something dangerous. The person walking next to me reaches into their pocket, and all I can think is that they will draw out a wand. Even a look can make me think 'enemy' and that they want to harm me."

Harry stopped bringing a hand to his chest, feeling his heart beating too fast.

_ Too fast, too fast, breath, breath, in and out, slow and steady, slow and steady. _

Draco didn't move as Harry regulated himself using the method he had picked up over time after trying all the ones he could find in books.

"Sounds scary," Draco offered once Harry opened his eyes again.

"It is. It never goes away or not completely. Sometimes I can forget about it when I'm with you or my friends, and somewhere safe. Then it comes back. There might not even be a reason." Harry raked a hand through his hair, tugging on the strains at the back. Just another habit, another sign that showed he wasn't alright. He hadn't been alright in years.

"Imagine the feeling of being shocked, the type that makes you jump," Harry said, looking deeply into Draco's eyes as his hands waved between them. "Your heart beating so hard it’s painful; your nerves frayed making your muscles tense or shake. For most people it lasts a minute at most before your body recognises that the danger is over. Anxiety prevents that, stops you being able to think rationally. The threat is real even if it isn't or there isn't even one there."

Draco didn't say anything, he just sat and looked at Harry with sorrow in his eyes and the corners of his mouth turned down.

Harry got up, pacing the distance from one end of the sofa to the other.

_ You shouldn't have told him. _

_He pities you._

_ You’re so weak._

"Tell me more."

Draco's voice slipped past the din, and Harry paused to glance at him before pacing again. The insane idea that if he stopped he would die repeatedly looped in his head and not even pointing out how illogical that notion was could force him to return to his seat.

"Night time is the worst. When there are no distractions, and the thoughts grow louder, turning into paranoia. I can't stop myself from wondering that I might not wake up, that if I close my eyes then it's all over. I have to put my hand on my chest and feel my heartbeat, need to know for certain it's still going. Then when I start to finally drift off, and it slows down, I jerk back awake. Hours of tossing and turning until I'm too exhausted to stay conscious." Clenching his hands in his hair Harry groaned, before he threw his arms out to the sides all the while still pacing, counting the steps in his head to keep the pace even.

_ I, 2, 3, 4._

_ 1, 2, 3, 4._

"I beat Voldemort, but I can't beat my own goddamn mind. Can't take a potion without thinking its poison or eat at a sodding restaurant. I only managed to go to Teddy's school play because I had you and my friends there to reassure me that I was safe!"

Harry was almost shouting now, not out of anger, accept possibly at himself but because saying it out loud just confirmed how stupid it was. He's not an idiot; he knows that he's not just going to die in his sleep for no bloody reason when he's still young. Knows that potions might actually help him get better and that no one in a muggle school would even recognise him let alone attempt to hex him.

However, he can't rationalise and remove the fear, the panic that invades his head and takes control.

"I know it’s dumb."

"No, it's not," Draco cut in silencing Harry and throwing him so much that he stopped pacing.

"Fear isn't restricted by logic; anxiety is not something that needs to make sense. It is what it is."

Draco waved a hand and coaxed Harry into sitting back down.

"Everyone feels scared or nervous occasionally, those emotions in you are just a little heightened. That's all. You are not dumb for having them, you are human. Considering everything you have been through, you have every right to have those worries."

Harry moved closer to Draco as his mind finally grew quiet. Without prompting Draco opened his arms and let Harry sink into his embrace, gently running his hand on Harry's back. The strokes slow and regular, something Draco had discovered through trial and error helped calm Harry down once he could handle being touched.

"I hate it, I hate that it has so much control over what I do. I can't even fall asleep in your arms without freaking out and feeling trapped," Harry mumbled into Draco's neck before he placed a kiss on the exposed patch of skin.

"I'm not much of a hugger anyway," Draco said, his tone slightly teasing and it pulled a smile from Harry.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Draco asked as he pulled back to look at Harry's face.

"For listening, for accepting me, anxiety and all."

"It’s no problem, you'll get better in your own time. Until then I'll be here for whatever you need me for," Draco promised before kissing Harry's forehead.

Letting out a breath and feeling content, Harry got more comfortable cuddling into Draco's side. He forgot his anxiety as he laughed at the show Draco had put on the TV and munched on his favourite sweet treat. Everything was perfect for now, and Harry planned to enjoy it while it lasted.

**Author's Note:**

> Anxiety really fucking sucks but we can get through it, stay strong.


End file.
